The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter. I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday. Anonymous, 35. Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat. Therefore, theres no true formula for a perfect joke, and despite study and analysis on the part of comedians and scientists, we dont have a precise answer to, What makes things funny?. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. It was three feet deep on average. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are. Hes at the hospital getting checked for rabies now. A: Tell a good joke at work by first finding an. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we back. "Zach Galifianakis, 20. "My mother loves hats, and I think this one with a minimal and elegant elongated crown from Toteme is the perfect addition to her . Ayatollah you already. 148 Dad Jokes That are Actually Funny - Best Dad Jokes of All Time "Judith Martin, 62. 48. We have covered the following in the post for you; These clever lines with a pinch of sarcasm will surely tickle your funny bone. Do you have a clever quote you would like to share? -Robin Williams. Co-workers: Theyre some of the best people when it comes to sharing funny movie quotes and spitballing some funny one-liners. Look for opportunities in every change in your life. Meir Liraz, 36. I just want to eat." SnackNation is a healthy office snack delivery service that makes healthy snacking fun, life more productive, and workplaces awesome. Here, we've rounded up a variety of the best Father's Day gifts (and gag gifts) that are just as hilarious as all of his one-liners and quips. 19. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. 92. Theyre about to announce the lottery numbers. Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, 7. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. I hate Sundays because they give birth to Mondays. Chris Southwave, 41. A happy person is one whose arithmetic is at its best when he is counting his blessings., A hard thing about business is minding your own. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I don't think it's natural." 16. My IQ test. Model that is, live the behavior you want others to practice. Mario Morino, 58. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. Where does a winemaker get his gossip? 97. Find even more icebreaker jokes in. 101 Funny Quotes Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh - Parade 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." 79. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun. Life is too short to be serious all the time. Small son sitting on Daddys lap: Im still confused. Fun Office Games & Activities for Employees, Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved], Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms, Corporate Gift Ideas Your Clients and Customers Will Love, Make an audience feel a stronger sense of, Release endorphins and calm anger for more productive debates, Plays on the human love of detecting discrepancies by illustrating a generally harmless mistake, misunderstanding, or departure from the norm. I dont know, but its flag is a big plus! (Best Life). I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children," and I thought, I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. 59. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. "Life is short. People say I'm condescending. 3. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. Its a real ice breaker. (Laffgaff). 70. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. - 101 funny one-liners - Best knock-knock jokes for kids. "Garry Shandling, 36. Life is full of many ironical aspects that are beyond human comprehension. He just wanted a little more space. Fields, 12. Funny quotes for online dating profile Whether you put for guys irresistible. 2. 1. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 15. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks. Browse these Monday memes until you laugh (or cry), then check out some Friday memes to end your week on the right foot. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies. (iFunny). When life feels serious, it is important to lighten the tone, get out of your head and have a laugh. 20 Funny Father's Day Gifts 2023 - Best Gag Gifts for Dad I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. Then turn to these bad jokes that you cant help but laugh at, short jokes that anyone can remember, and for the little ones, short jokes for kids. A: There are plenty of good icebreaker jokes for a work meeting. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that." 87. Polite tennis players give each other backhanded compliments. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Then I want to move in with them." Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias, 43. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? If Im gonna tell a real story, Im gonna start with my name. Kendrick Lamar, 60. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Reporting on what you care about. The list below begins with original quotes followed by some from public figures. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? "The older you get, the better you get. Report. But, if such a sad instance occurs and you couldn't find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section. I'm great at multitasking. "When something goes wrong in your life, just say 'PLOT TWIST' and move on.". The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. I did an original sin. (David Letterman)), Gives people an acceptable way to release their feelings on socially inappropriate topics, such as anger, bodily functions, online dating, or even the misfortunes of others. Apparently, you cant use beefstew as a password. In honor of Readers Digests 100th anniversary, weve collected 100 jokes, puns, and funny one-liners that are short, sharp, and easy to deliver. Still craving more? Never mind, I shouldnt spread it. (Best Life), 5) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. "Joan Rivers, 5. 65 Funny One-Liners That'll Make Anyone Chuckle - BuzzFeed 1) A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it. (Bob Hope), 2) Did you hear about the person that died while opening a window? I organized a threesome last night. That's a life lesson I could have done without. People who are clever are gifted with the art of turning complex situations to their favor. Blog Manage Settings The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph! Marvin Phillips, 4. 84.04 % / 304 votes. ", "Only good girls keep diaries. "Cindy Crawford, 40. 2. He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn. We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! And that's just in the hot dogs. Youre really excited to present your ideas, but you make one fatal flaw. "Life is short. "Will Ferrell, 51. 59. I changed my password to "incorrect". Whats motivating you to get out of bed instead of hitting the snooze button for the seventh time? "Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, 33. (Deny it if you must, person who just Googled "funny dad jokes.") So, in honor of joke-telling dads everywhere, we present the best of the best corny dad jokes and puns, whether you need a few new one-liners to add to your own repertoire, are craving a good chuckle, or are looking for a good Father's Day caption or dad quote to honor your . Success depends on which one we use the most. In fact, it may not hurt to chuckle a bit yourself. Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls, 84. I used to believe that all things must passuntil I got stuck behind a school bus. 14) When in doubt, mumble. Whos there? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet.). "As you get older, three things happen. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke? 34. 96. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle. Shirley MacLaine, 57. "Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? Robert Frost. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. Movies are more than just entertainment. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Use fun and funny facts about your team to break the ice at your next meeting. Dwight Schrute, The Office, 22. They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. There's no need to turn on the heat at the family reunion; the room will be full of hot air. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Whos there? Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. There's nothing like a little alone time to make you appreciate your own company. One liner tags: attitude, communication, life. Funny One Liners. Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done. Peter Drucker, 24. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. No use being a damn fool about it."W.C. Toteme Embellished Straw Sunhat. Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, Fun Virtual Team Building Activities Interviewer to job applicant: Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?. Barrie, 34. "Reality continues to ruin my life. Show me a man who is a good loser, and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Jim Murray. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese. 27. Only two. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose? Funny One-Liner Jokes I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job." Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? (PS A truly energizing icebreaker joke is a great way to open up a team building event or activity and help everyone enter the right mindset to participate in the fun. Life is a long lesson in humility. J.M. Not only will you receive praise for introducing an amazing team building activity, but youll also get plenty of fun facts you can use to laugh with (and maybe at) your teammates. Privacy Policy. And guess what? 72. Its Monday morning, and the incessant trill of your alarm has woken you from a pretty great dream. Alabama. A joke could make someone crack up one day and have no effect the next day. What has five toes but isn't your foot? "George Bernard Shaw, 78. Im never included in anything either. !" "Arguing with a fool proves there are two." - Doris M. Smith "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - William Shakespeare catchy clever quotes "If we cannot be clever, we can always be kind." - Alfred Fripp "It's okay if you disagree with me. A polar bear. Nobel who? 40 Of Probably The Best One-Liner Jokes Ever | Bored Panda A clever person has a brilliant mind and is well aware of things happening around them. Best One Liners 1. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Pro-tip #3: Champion humor in your workplace by using an employee recognition platform such as Nectar to provide peer-to-peer rewards for making others laugh or smile. 85. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet. (Brain Champagne), 5) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Now quiet! 9. 10. It was a knot-for-profit. Whos there? Everything you can imagine is real. Pablo Picasso, 65. Copyright Entertainism & Buzzle.com, Inc. First impressions matter, and wed like to say nobodys judging you, but you know, theyre certainly paying attention to you. Tags: 1 line dad jokes 1 line puns 1 liner joke of the day 1 liner jokes 1 liners 10 best one liners 100 best one liners 100 funny quotes and one liners 1000 short funny jokes 101 best one liners 1950's one liners 2 line funny jokes in english 2 line jokes 2019 one liners 2020 one liners 21 one liner jokes 30 great one liners 5 one liners 52 of . Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. Enjoy! She is also the author of the 2018 novel Indecent. This will go much faster if you just accept that I am right. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30, hands down. If you don't know who it is that everyone in the family complains about, it's probably you. Was I born in a nest or a hive?. She can tell you everything you need to know about the love lives of A-listers, the coziest bedsheets, and the sex toys actually worth your $$$. 65. Follow her on Instagram for cute pics of her pup and bb. Reality is wrong, dreams are for real. Tupac, 65 Positive Aging Quotes About Getting Older Gracefully, 65 Incredible Quotes About Taking Chances, 120 Fascinating Wise Quotes That Will Grow Your Mind, 30 Funny Birthday Quotes And Wishes For A Card Or Message. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. Funny one liners for dating sites. My recliner and I go way back. 8. Frightfully funny . Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. Whats a dogs favorite homework assignment? Who wants to know? 13. Next, check out these bar jokes that are hilariously funny. A good ice breaker joke tells your audience that youre charming and funny, someone theyll enjoy talking to as much as their best friend. To prove he wasnt a chicken. Duct tape is silver. - Anonymous, The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. Knock, knock. 78. "Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway." The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.". My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. And if these arent enough, check out some uplifting inspirational quotes thatll add some extra motivation to your workweek. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. The world owes you nothing. Funny work quotes can be the antidote to even the strongest workday blues. the cat who ate a ball of yarn? Appropriate and hilarious. . And if they would, I do not do that thing." "Ellen DeGeneres, 68. From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. Our child has a great deal of willpowerand even more wont power. Laughter. I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. Bill Gates, 30. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. 71. No one else wants it. Unknown, 68. I never knew my real ladder. Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. It's said that laughter is the best medicine, so take it all with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. Lets chat! "Never try to have the last word. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips, 56. 2. DukeMcGoober: Then God said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life.". As the sayings go, we only get one shot at this adventure we call life and weve compiled these 80 funny one-liners about life to bring you a giggle. Michael Scott, The Office, 15. "Meryl Streep, 39. Who are the best 90s television characters of all time. Some other work-safe jokes include dad jokes, puns, and a myriad of other clean and not-always-cheesy jokes that dont leverage taboos or inappropriate subjects. Because, really, nothings better than a big belly laugh to start your week off right. We have rounded up some of the best collections of funny one-liners on life, funny quotes, hilarious captions, and sarcastic status messages and jokes. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. Iconic funny movie quotes from fan favorites and cult classics like Elf, Coming to America, Mean Girls, Legally Blonde, The Big Lebowski, and more have . Valentine's Day puns that are simply the zest. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Unknown, 49. Ernest Hemingway, 29. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. "Isaac Asimov, 18. 3. 18. Witty one liners are jokes that are delivered in a single line. "The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said Quit while youre ahead? The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms With additional reporting research by Lucie Turkel and Greg Daugherty. I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend than be one. Clarence Darrow, 31. And I also know that I'm not blonde." -Janeane Garofalo. Use a strategically placed joke to break the ice and make a large group feel like a small gathering of friends. "Oscar Wilde, 60. Need some more laughs? 67. He has pills he can take, but he cant get them out of the bottle. Dream as if youll live forever, live as if youll die today. James Dean, 74. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that ones work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell, 8. Oprah Winfrey, 27. I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it. A new study shows that one-third of people dont floss, while the other two-thirds couldnt answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths. Pro-Tip #6: Pick a joke and frame it around your real-life experience. We have rounded up the best collection of clever quotes, sayings, captions, and status, (with images and pictures) to inspire you to deal with real-life situations intelligently. [Booze], 4) My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. "Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart." - Ross Perot "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." - George Carlin "There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them." - Lawrence Welk "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." - Sean O'Casey I poked a badger with a spoon. (Eddie Izzard), 6) You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? Enjoy. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Unknown, 70. (Ex: Do you know what I love most about baseball? Why did the chicken go to the seance? An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. Winston Churchill, 37. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me." "Jim Halpert, The Office, 89. 80 Sarcastic One Liners - Daily Funny Quote I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian. "Joan Rivers, 44. Never take life seriously. Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners. "Jerome K. Jerome, 95. The desire to live a purposeful life, I truly believe, resides in all humans. Paulo Braga, 22. Why did the rooster cross the road? It was compiled by Evelina Medina. Why arent dogs good dancers? They hang together, half of them dont work and the other half arent so bright. Anonymous. Dam! "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Recent Posts. Pro-Tip #4:Get plenty of fodder for your jokes by introducing your team to Quizbreaker, an icebreaker tool that makes it easy to create and share quizzes about your team, with your team. "I don't care what they say about me. There are many traits that a successful leader should have. Privacy Policy "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door. Playing to what makes an audience similar, A: You can find good icebreaker jokes for work in. One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together and be called: YouTwitFace . 1) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal), 2) I have a piece of paper, dont mind me. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. We recommend our users to update the browser. Funny One-Liners: 60 Clever One-Liners to Tell Friends - Best Life Eleanor Roosevelt, 26. 1. Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents. "Jerry Lewis, 67. Intelligence is like an underwear. "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone." It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. So, Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.". Ayatollah. Life. They are not only hilarious, but can help send the sarcastic remarks and messages in a light way. 1003 Best Puns - The funniest puns - OneLineFun.com Pretty women go shopping." You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. "Mark Twain, 69. "Charles Lamb, 96. 26. Missile toe. 33. Humor can help you instantly build rapport with your audience. 155 Hilarious One Liners Based on Life and Intelligence A hardened criminal. Continue with Recommended Cookies. 6) A player asked his golf coach: "What is going wrong with my game?". With the use of humor and wit, they overcome situations very smartly. Does this taste funny to you?. Why dont cats play poker in the jungle? "Never miss a good chance to shut up. Do you know what I love most about baseball? "Paula Poundstone, 85. One day the people that dont even believe in you will tell everyone how they met you. Johnny Depp, 77. And by sometimes I mean all times. 29. Funny work quotes are some of the only things strong enough to fight off the Sunday Scariesby joking about Monday morning, of course. "Albert Einstein, 16. Youre getting ready to start your meeting. 20. Up until then, you are just doing research." - Carl Gustav Jung 5. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? the New York Jets cocktail? "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence then success is sure. Whos there? Like a good conversation starter or icebreaker question, a joke can warm up your listeners brains and prepare them to receive your message. 50 Best Funny Movie Quotes - Parade One liner tags: people, puns. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. Dont be a fool. RD.COM Arts & Entertainment Quotes Funny. Turn your wounds into wisdom. Oprah, 50. Put it on my bill! (Best Life), 6) I like to practice magic. When he talks, it isnt a conversation. "Ann Landers, 80. I havent slept for 10 days because that would be too long. It's inevitable that people will feel awkward trying to make small talk when a loved one dies. The purpose of life is to grow. Because they make up literally everything. You dont know anyone, however, if you tell the right joke, you might find yourself feeling like youve known everyone for years. "Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 47. 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. Looking for some witty and humorous one-liners on life? "Jim Carrey, 59. ], 2) I threw a boomerang a few years ago. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. One. But sometimes they just get on your nerves. (Ex: My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behaviour decides who stays in your life. Unknown, 26. Roll them back so they can see! (Beano), 8) When my son told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. (CNN Dad Joke Generator). The secret to life is to love who you are warts and all. David DeNotaris, 39. 7. Seriously Awesome Gifts For Coworkers What do you call a steak thats been knighted by the queen? How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? 31 Funny Roses-Are-Red Poems for Everyone in Your Life - Reader's Digest Dive into the categories below and make sure to add more of your own in the comments below. A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her. 19. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Unknown, 44. Every moment is a fresh beginning. T.S Eliot, 80. So sit back, relax and get ready for some work-related chuckles. "Luis Buuel, 49. By the time you learn the rule of life, youre too old to play the game. Unknown, 21. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."P.J. Then it hit me. Pam Beesly, The Office, 38. Too many cheetahs. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.